[A lengthier version of this is cross-posted over at LesbianFamily.org.]
It was bedtime, and I thought I was going to have to mount a lengthy campaign to extirpate the lil’ monkey from her downstairs cousins’ room, which she ransacks daily in a never-sated hunger to fiddle with (disassemble, rearrange, touch, or simply breath upon) their toys and books. Then the fairy goddesses arrived and did it for me, effortlessly.
Her special cousins, who had come to visit toward the end of a day of mega-wide extendo family/community fun in our back yard, simply entered the house (gliding in on feet that I’m sure didn’t even move), slipped their magic fairly fingers into hers, and led her out. They then proceeded to glide as a trio across the lawn totward us, swirly filaments of fairy dust wafting behind them. They were so beautiful playing together that we postponed putting the girlie to bed ’til the special cousins went home.
Could I have possibly imagined this love (and what it feels like to witness it) when my beloved and I sat down with my dear old friend and her partner, and talked about what it would mean to all of us if we borrowed a cup of sperm?
Nope. Beyond all of our sweetest of dreams. But I’m here to testify — especially to you hetero families who may be considering known donor relationships with would-be families like ours — that this is a priceless bonus. More love for your kids, deep, special love, even. Who wouldn’t go to the moon and back for that?
*Thanks to AZ for recording the moments on film.
Just a beautiful set of photos, and an even more beautiful piece of advice (admonishment? suggestion? the word isn’t quite coming to my tongue this morning…)
Thank you for this post LD. Our gay bio-dad donor is also the donor to another lesbo couple who live two hours away. They were not happy to hear he would also be our donor. Then they found out they were pregnant with twins. We quickly became pregnant shortly after. They had twin boys in February. I just gave birth to our son on 17 April. (A surprise arrival one whole month early.) I have gone back and forth being stressed about what these relationships will be, wondering if we need to name them and if so, what will those titles be. I am certain the boys will all know each other and be in each others lives, and they will know who they all are to each other but I struggle when I try to fit it into the “nuclear family box”. Then I let go and realize we will make it up as we go. The answers will come, or fall into place. That there are plenty of families out there, that are similar to ours. And most importantly, the more people that love our little guy, the better. I just try to breathe through those moments of panic and embrace the gift before us.
This. This is why we wanted a known donor. More love for the kids. More love for everyone.
Thank you, librarygrrrl. I’m thinking maybe the best word might be “enticement”? And yes, Trista, amen.
Congratulations on the birth of your son, m2inVT! I support you breathing through the moments of panic, as you say, and encourage you to continue to envision Love Love and More Love for him. I remember a conversation with the very first friends I know who had a kid with a known donor, probably like eight or ten years ago, back in MN. I expressed the classic fear that there’d be this dangling connection out there, which could be used to burn back into our family in some terrible way (like a gunpowder line). My friend (who was the non-birth mom, after having tried unsuccessfully to conceive for several years), said something to the effect of, “Yeah, you know, I was worried, too, at first. And then our daughter was born and I realized: That’s just more love for her in the world.” And in a moment, a line that looked like gunpowder became a cord through which love passed.
Obviously not all family love turns out to be healthy. Obviously. Abuse, neglect, contradiction, betrayal abound. But so do their opposites.
I’m well aware — we’re all too well aware, we in the extended lesbian family family — of the horror stories about custody battles with donors who’ve somehow reversed their initial intentions to relinquish legal custody. Or somehow their families go haywire. These are the stories that are well-telegraphed, I think both because they serve as cautionary tales, but also because it’s a well-worn fact that bad or scary news sells more papers/ magazines/ web ads/ what have you. Or something to this effect. The actors are clear, the threat is clear, etc.
The stories of love and harmony may be harder to catch attention with, but they’re truer, I think. Or perhaps it’s more that I want dearly for them to be heard, and I think they can be replicated. I believe in the capacity we have to shape the conditions of our lives by anticipating, and appealing to, the immense power of love dormant and active in everyone around us. And when I look at what my friends’ act of generosity has done not just for our family, but for theirs, and for all our children, I can’t help but think that more people would be clambering on this bandwagon if only they knew.
I just had to chime in one two counts. First, ohmygoodness yes, I have felt so grounded in the world, so connected to a true community and faith and love, since we all entered into this amazing extended family arrangement–and yes! Sunday was indeed yet another magical day. Speaking on behalf of the special cousins, well, the only problem from their perspective is how to get enough time with you, your beloved, your li’l monkey and her li’l monklette brother. Second (or is it third now?) I have just one small objection: My husband is a fine man and a great dad, and of course as we all know the biology worked out nicely, but really “a cup” is a bit of an exaggeration! -Sybil
D’oh!
Later that same day after we had extricated our little monkey from the festivities, our known donor appeared at our house to play. Oh, the joy on our little monkey’s face as he danced around the room with her and squeezed into her “spaceship” box and engaged her in a million silly ways that enabled us to have a little breathing room. She told me 3 times today that he likes peanut butter. He told us he’s not moving to Marin, where both he and his wife have recently landed jobs, because he doesn’t want to miss out on “times like this.”
Thank you, LD, for reminding me how special this relationship is.
My pleasure! Kwynne made a comment to a similar (“Go team!”) effect on the cross-posted version of this piece over at LesbianFamily.org. There’s good news & bad news, and we who are currently happily filled with the good news gotta spread it! Since I think that will actually help more of it to emerge. As Wes (Scoop) Nisker used to say, on Bay Area radio, “If you don’t like the news, go out and make some of your own!”