I am bursting at the seams with pride to be among the first news outlets to report that Ellen DeGeneris and her lovely spouse Portia DeRossi have revealed they’ve adopted a beautiful little girl! The news of the process has been kept strictly confidential until its completion. I am proud to say that for some very special reasons, I was among the early “non-essential,” “non-family” members to hear the good news, which had been embargoed by Ellen’s PR people until late last night.
Why me? Because Ellen has asked me to sign on as their personal parenting coach, and I couldn’t be more thrilled! They could have chosen anybody — anybody actually qualified! like Penelope Leach, or Dr. Sears — but they picked me.
Evidently Ellen has been reading this blog lo these many years, watching my children and my parental prowess grow as she gnawed at her (often quivering) lower lip, wishing that she and Portia, too, had happiness like my beloved and I have had. Wondering whether, if she were so fortunate as to have the opportunity, she might be half the lesbian dad that I am.
Well now she does have that opportunity, and I’m bound and determined to help her make the most of it. Launching into parenthood when you’re a middle-aged superstar who likes to cross-dress isn’t easy. But I’ve done it, and I’m going to teach her how.
I’ll admit, it’s going to be a little rough on my family to uproot from our NorCal home and acclimate to the ways of SoCal. The driving everywhere. The stares we’ll receive as dark-haired women with paunches. At first the kids are going to cry a lot, leaving their home, their friends, their schools, and most of all, the rich family life they’ve enjoyed in our co-housing “village.” But as soon as they meet Ellen’s and Portia’s personal chef and realize they have a live pony at their farm, well! They’ll never look back.
The only sad news is that as a condition of employment as her parenting coach, I have to stop publishing this blog. The temptation to write about her and Portia’s parenting journey, after all, would have been too great. And it would have been so easy just to slip the iPhone out of my pocket, pretend to make a call, and — snap! — take some picture which I might think was endearing, but which The National Enquirer might think was worth a year’s college tuition. That’s just not worth the temptation.
So I’m afraid to say that this will be my last post as Lesbian Dad. It’s been an incredible five-plus years with you people, even if it got a little thin there in the end when I had that super-trying year. Things sure took a turn for the better, didn’t they? I’m gonna miss you people. But not quiiiiiite as much as I’m going to enjoy my busy employment as a trusted advisor to the only lesbian dad in America more famous than myself.
Okay, okay, April Fool’s. That’s Ellen DeGeneris’ niece (Eva), not her daughter. Taken at Ellen and Portia’s Christmas Holiday trip to St. Bart’s last year. But can you see the little hearts springing out of their eyes as they hold that little punkin? I can hear Portia’s ovaries spinning from way up here. Gals, if you need me, I’m just a Tweet or an email away.